this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
