you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
