dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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