And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
