The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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