Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
