cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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