I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize