Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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