you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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