The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
