u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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