she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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