she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
this just has baby written all over it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
