Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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