Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
