Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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