News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
