i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
