I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
