Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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