I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
