Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
