grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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