I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
