3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
What drink are we having for lunch?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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