His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize