This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize