I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
