I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
