my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
