I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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