: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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