I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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