Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
