i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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