after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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