i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize