This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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