I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
