Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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