Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
