Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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