I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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