i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
