i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
