How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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