The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
