moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
