How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
