i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
