I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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