she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
