I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize