this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
