I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
