it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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