i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
