I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
