So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
