grandma shit on top of the toilet
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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