You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
