I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
