You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
